Guilt you are uninvited

So it's funny because I think I only use this blog thing once a year or so when thoughts just overtake my brain and I don't know what to do with them.

I have been having a lot of days lately that are kind of hard.  For a year and a half I had the same background picture on my phone.  It was one of Tucker snuggling up with his mimi.  I recently reset my phone because phones are dumb and have a lot of issues.  That picture is still accessible but I no longer have it as my background.  For some reason I just struggle with that. 

Although I realize grief is not measured by the pictures I post on facebook, the background on my phone, or how much I talk about my mother, somehow I still have the hardest time with all of that.  I haven't changed my profile picture if it wasn't another picture that included my mom.  I know to a lot of people this probably sounds silly but for me it has honestly been a struggle.  It's like I have this fear that she will some how slip away if she is not readily at my fingertips at all times.  I haven't even been able to delete her number from my phone.  I just can't bring myself to do these things but I'm getting to the point where I feel like I have to.

I sometimes wish social media didn't exist.  I love what it does to connect people who may otherwise not have found each other or stayed in touch.  I love a lot of aspects of it.  I love that I can write this and share it and pray that I am not crazy for having these thoughts, that maybe someone somewhere has had these same struggles.  I do not however love that I have attached my grief to it.  I don't love that because there are so many people that can see what I post I feel like I am opening the door to judgement (trust me I am relatively sure that I grasp that no one cares what my profile picture is...but I just don't like the idea of someone thinking I've forgotten about my mom because she is not in the forefront). 

Some things that have been floating in my head lately:

It's okay if my mom isn't in my profile picture.
It's okay that I don't talk about her all the time.
It's okay that I live my life, because I have to.
It's okay that I still cry.
It's okay that sometimes I go weeks without crying at all.
It's okay if my dad starts to date.
It's okay if we laugh, a lot.
It's okay if I accept life the way it is and not wish for it to be a different way.


I can not live in a place where I am constantly sad, constantly worried about what people think of my grief, constantly wishing that my mom would come back.  The fact is, she isn't going to.  It sure does suck but it's something I have to come to terms with.  Everyone does this in their own time frame but I have realized I am hitting a point lately where I have to let go of some things, like deleting my moms number, to truly start to live my life the way that she would want me to.  I have accidentally called her number a few times and immediately hang up in a panic because I don't want anyone to answer.  The more I think about all of this the more unhealthy it sounds for my healing.

I realize this is kind of just a bunch of rambling but I think I am sharing it for some accountability.  I do wish that life was different.  I wish that I could have her back. I wish that my dad didn't have to date. I wish my parents could have been that yucky in love old couple sitting on a park bench but these were not the cards we were dealt.  I can't stay wishing for that.  Now I pray for my life to be the best it can be, how it is now.  I'm thankful my mom is without pain and partying in Heaven, I can't wish for her back from that.  I hope for my dad to be happy and I love that I've seen him laugh and smile more these days.  I am prayerful that if God allows, he will find someone to be all yucky in love with and that will be okay!!

I mostly want to write this down because I feel like one of the hardest things about dealing with grief is dealing with the guilt you feel when the grief period dies down.  This guilty feeling is completely unnecessary.  All I can think of is how my mom would probably punch us all for feeling any kind of guilt.  She would celebrate the fact that we can begin to live life without constant sadness and she would want that for us.  The memories, the love, the pictures, the feelings, those things will always be there.  The guilt doesn't deserve a spot.